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You
asked for him and now you're stuck wtith him!
THE RETURN OF ASK
DR. SLOSSGRUBBER
World
renowned Psychiatrist and Polio Player
Dr. Slossgrubber writes a medical
letter from time to time (when he is sobered up).
He is a specialist in diseases of the archipelago, which
is why he is willing to go out on a limb.
07/11/02
Alzheimer's isn't all that bad...
I wouldn't go to the gym. But I forget how
painful it was the last time. Also, it's exciting. I see new faces
all the time. I only wish someone would introduce me to people who
obviously know me.
The guys behind the desk at the gym were giving
me the hard sell to renew now because the membership fee is going
up. I've got to see the boss, I told them. The owner gave me a special
price (which I think is even lower than the one recorded). He was
betting I would die long before he had to put in extra machines or
stop coming because of ill health (more likely mental than
physical). He could see the signs.
I told them not to worry. What other gym would
take me as a member? It looks bad to anyone walking by and looking
in. I clinched my point. I quoted Groucho Marx who said he'd been
thrown out of better places than this. But I did say I would join
next time I come if they were willing to risk a credit card
already way beyond its limit. I told them they get paid sooner or
later. But did they really want the trouble of going to small
claims court?
The drug companies can't get doctors to
prescribe drugs like Prozac to the really depressed anymore. They
have really dangerous side-effects. So the company is promoting it
on television to the well, as well as human beings are ever likely
to be. I heard some senators who get a lot of money from Pfizer
are pushing to make Prozac an over-the-counter drug and then to
get the DEA to see that it doesn't become a street drug for kids.
The National Institutes of Health announced a
new study on AIDS. They are trying to find out whether it has an
connection to the "Greenhouse Effect."
People who take vitamins are also much more
likely to take flyers handed out at entrances to supermarkets.
Religious people, defined as those who attend a
house of worship at least 10 times a year set their thermostats
lower than non-believers, which contradicts earlier studies about
non-believers and the proximity of Hell. That is the only good
thing ever said about Hell and apparently it's wrong.
People in Sierra Leone have almost no
osteoporosis according to a study published in Facts on File. It
suggests that if your thinking of taking out a subscription you
might want to think again. It just doesn't seem worth it.
Anyone who needs an explanation of the above statistic can
write Dr. Slossgrubber in confidence at the Yahoo Mental Health
board. His answer will be posted on the public board.
The National Film Board of Canada found that
people who eat 12 meals a day are likelier to lose weight if they
live in a house with more than 20 rooms.
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